Answers
by nicimac
Summary: Set during Affinity. How I would prefer the conversation after 'the proposal' to have gone.
1. Chapter 1

A/N I have spent many years reading all your wonderful SG1 stories and finally decided it was time to try it myself.

Set during Affinity. The way I would prefer the conversation to have gone after 'the Proposal'

* * *

She's sitting outside his house working up the courage. She knows he's home; her car sits next to his truck and the lounge light is on.

She eyes the door handle again and drums her fingers on the steering wheel. It's late, 21.30. Not late enough to be rude, but late enough to show that it's not a work call and hopefully late enough to use the magic of darkness if she needs to hide. Or escape. Or just flat out run.

She closes her eyes, inhales a final breath of warmth from the car and steps out to embrace the crisp Colorado air. She winces at the crunch of gravel underfoot. Not that it matters. She's been in the car a few minutes and figures he must have heard her pull in.

She stands at his front door. The cool air flushes her cheeks and leaves her throat slightly raw. At least that's what she blames it on. She knocks sharply and the door opens in seconds. So yes, there's the answer to that question.

He looks at her, eyebrows raised in that way he does.

"Carter?"

The eyebrows change to frame the question in his eyes that he states out loud anyway. "Everything Ok?"

She takes a step back. Oh god, she can't do it. She's gonna have to improvise.

"Yes, fine, Sir." She pauses, frustration flaring inside her. It's the automatic response of a dutiful officer and that's not why she's here. She can do this.

"Actually, no."

She swallows.

"Can I come in?"

The eyebrows go back up in surprise and he opens the door wider, lifting his arm invitingly. "By all means. I was just..."

She moves inside before the urge to run kicks in, stopping at the top of the stairs down into his lounge area. It feels intrusive to go further.

Another deep breath and this time it's full of him. His scent, His house...Him.

"Carter?"

He stands with her at the top of the stairs and she's looking up at him. Now or never.

"Sir...this is a little...I'm just gonna get straight to it." His eyes darken and take on a wary or defensive look. Or maybe she's reading too much into it and it's just her own eyes adjusting to the light in the house.

She feels like she's about to jump, about to put herself on the line and let out part of her that's been buried deeply over the last four years, longer even. This thing with Pete has been good. Good for her confidence, her body and her soul. But not for her sanity. Not for that constant niggle of betrayal of something bigger, something so much deeper that could possibly still be.

The enormity of what she's about to ask overwhelms her and she moves her hand from her pocket to his arm to fix her to him as she asks.

"The armbands and the Zatarc...confessions. I know it's been a long time but do you...do you still feel like that?"

His face betrays nothing. She listens for any clue in his response to her words, any change in his breathing or if he shifts his position at all. She hears nothing but her rapidly beating heart is so loud in her head that she may not have heard it anyway.

She searches his face for something, any hint of a response and knows she hasn't schooled her features as well as he has. Does the desperation show on her face? She breaks the contact, moving her hand from his arm and looks away, pulling her lips in on themselves. No-one speaks. The silence feels infinite but can only be a few seconds. She fidgets with the cuffs on her jacket. Does she wait or push it further? Or run?

No. She needs to know. She looks back up at him, really looks at him.

"Please. I need to know." She hopes she sounds stronger than she feels.

More silence. He's holding her gaze but she still can't read anything in his eyes, damn him.

"Why now?"

Finally he breaks the emptiness but she still doesn't have an answer.

She looks away. The honest reply is not one she's willing to give. The shiny engagement ring presented to her this morning is the catalyst for this confrontation but ultimately that's not what this is about.

"You're with someone."

She closes her eyes in defence. God, his voice is so neutral. Like he's been stripped of all emotion. She can't read anything into it. Actually it's worse – she can read everything into it. At least it's not a flat out denial. Hope flares again. Is he playing for time? Her eyes flick open to meet his gaze. She has to give him more, to push him one way or another.

"Yes." She takes a deep breath. "But he's not you".

His posture droops and his eyes take on...what is that? Despair? Defeat? Oh god, it's the answer she was dreading but she has to hear it out loud. She pushes again.

"Do you still feel..."

"Do you?" His voice is gruff as he counters her question before she finishes. She chokes out a laugh that he doesn't know the answer to that given what she feels she's just revealed.

She raises her open hands in a gesture of incredulity and opens her mouth to speak. Then stops, lowers her defence and gives a heartfelt and throaty,

"Yes."

Now he reacts. His eyes widen, in shock? He runs a hand through his hair. He starts minutely shaking his head, searching her eyes and his brain working in overdrive – she can see it. She thinks she knows what's coming and wants to run but her feet betray her because she still hopes, still clings to a shred of light inside her that is sure he feels the same. The silence stretches and she feels the tension building inside herself waiting on his next words.

He leans back, away from her and she thinks he has the same flight instinct. His wrist twitches his hand up and splays out his fingers towards her but relaxes as quickly as it flares. His eyes soften and she can feel a physical pull towards him as she sees him reach his decision. Her chest starts to swell and she feels the light grow inside her he breaths out his answer.

"No."

What? The invisible force pulling her towards him snaps and she reels back. Her swelling chest deflates like a balloon and she rides the wave of nausea that goes with it, hoping to god she doesn't actually vomit. Her feet are no longer an opposing force and she turns and speeds for the door. She feels a draft of air as he grabs for her arm and misses, or did she dodge it just wanting to get the hell out of there?

"Carter! Dammit, wait."

She hears him but has to get away. She's so embarrassed. Such a fool. How could she think he would still feel like that after all this time? He was over her. Oh god, he's over her. She's too late.

She reaches for the door handle and tugs at the same moment his hand slams against the door, stopping it from opening. His other comes round hard on the wall effectively pinning her although he's not actually touching her. She could move if she wanted to.

They're both breathing heavily but the exertion isn't enough to warrant it.

His next words tumble out in an urgent burst. "You really think I'd feel the same after another four years with you?" His breathing is still heavy, his words thick with emotion. "No. It's not the same." She flinches under him, hunching her shoulders as though it will protect her from his mental onslaught of what's still to come.

The tension in his arms and his prone body relax as he must realise the effect he's having on her. "It's much...more."

"Bigger."

"Deeper."

Neither of them move but the warmth of his breath on her neck raises goosebumps on her skin. She's still reeling from the 'No' and for a while can only interpret his words in the context of that.

Their breathing slows a little and he pushes away from the wall, flipping round to lean next to her at the same time she twists to face away from the door. He slides down the wall and sits as he lands.

He glances up, catching her eye then looks back out in front.

"Never the best with words," he says quietly.

He reaches up for her hand and gives a tug on her fingers, suggesting she join him on the floor. She complies without it being a conscious decision and he loosens his grip but doesn't let go.

Side by side in a similar state of emotional exhaustion, she feels numb. Not sure if she's processed his words, only that she doesn't feel the need to run anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N

Thanks for your comments, your support is very much appreciated!

I also have to say thanks to Sam938 for the encouragement, some excellent pointers and general awesomeness. If you haven't discovered her yet, leave now and go. Her stories are incredible.

Disclaimer - Stargate and it's characters are all owned by MGM, nothing to do with me.

* * *

"Why now?" He talks to the empty hallway in front of him.

She turns her head and studies his profile. She still can't read him. Her brain starts dealing with the lack of information by sorting through the last few minutes and presenting her with the various interpretations of his words. He repeats his question.

"You said you needed to know. Why now?" He still doesn't look at her.

She can probably answer this but she doesn't. She still needs to know where she stands. "You said no." Does he hear the confusion in her voice?

"No!" He leans forward from the wall and turns to face her. "I said -" He glances away. "Well, _yes,_ I said 'no'," He looks back at her, his eyes willing her to understand something. "...you didn't get the rest?"

Did she? She continues to stare at him, trying to make sense of this in her state of emotional confusion.

He looks down, picking at some invisible thing on her sleeve. "You asked the wrong question if you wanted a 'yes'." The intimacy of her fingers still touching his and the casual movement of his other hand on her jacket tightens her throat.

Is he comforting her or reaching out to her? Everything about him says he's reaching out but she doesn't trust herself to believe it.

"What was the right question?" she rasps through her tightened throat.

"Oh, I dunno..." his hand leaves her arm and gestures vaguely. "Are you hungry? Yes. Do you wanna beer? Yes." She drops her head back against the wall and closes her eyes against his heartless attempt to lighten the situation. He continues but his voice is different. "Am I still in love with you?" He pauses and her heart must stop because there is absolute silence until he follows it with the answer she needs.

"Yes."

She doesn't move but the relief that pours through her fills parts she didn't know were empty. She eases her fingers forward to grab more of his hand and he reciprocates, using the leverage to pull her into his arms. She doesn't need it as she's already folding into him, leaning into his shoulder and sliding her free arm across his chest and round his neck.

God, is this real?

They sit, wrapped in one another, the numbness she felt just moments ago seeping away. It's not the most comfortable position but she'll take it right now. Maybe he feels the same as he soon moves to gently twist her round to face him. For a few moments they just look at each other and he seems unable to stop the grin that starts creeping across his face. She feels hers pull at the side of her mouth too, feels it through her whole body.

He looks down at her hands and starts to tap his fingers on hers. He slows it down and turns it to more of a caress, tracing his fingers over her skin. It feels exquisite and she can't stop her involuntary intake of breath when his fingers skim the delicate skin of her wrist.

Seriously, is this real? She feels suspended in a vacuum. Like the world outside has ceased to exist and it's just them. Some distant part of her brain comments that stranger things have happened.

After a few moments he looks back up but the grin is gone. "What now?" he says. The look in his eyes shows he really doesn't have the answer. "What's changed? I'm still your CO. There's still a whole galaxy of bad guys we're supposed to be leading the fight against."

His eyes drift back to her wrist and follow the path of his hand as he talks. "Did you just want to know or are you ready to do something about it?"

Good question. She has no idea. She's struggling to think straight right now because much of her processing capacity has been given over to appreciating the feel of his touch on her skin.

"Both?" She counters, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I hadn't really got that far."

She suddenly realises the truth of that statement. She really hadn't got that far. She hadn't thought about what happened next, whichever answer he gave. In her emotional whirlwind of the last few hours she just knew she needed to know! How the hell had she not thought about the consequences? She's given them plenty of thought in the past.

He smiles and stills his fingers on her palm. She watches him come to a decision although on what she can't be sure. He moves to stand, offering his hand to help her up. "As nice as this is, there are more comfortable places to have this conversation."

She feels a rush of disappointment at the broken connection. The floor had been working pretty well.

He leads her by the hand though the hallway and stops back at the top of the stairs. He turns back towards her but not before she catches his glance down the corridor towards his bedroom.

"Kitchen or couch?" he asks, breezily. But the way he's looking at her is doing things to her insides.

Her eyes flick down the same corridor. She really doesn't want a conversation. The consequences are starting to flick into her head and there are so many reasons why she shouldn't be here. A conversation will just lead to doing the Right Thing. Which is nothing. And she's been doing nothing for a long time. She's so over it. For once, she wants to just do what feels right, do it today and deal with the rest of it tomorrow.

Her eyes settle on his.

She's slow to answer because she wants the third option. The one at the end of the corridor. She's surprised at her surety of this. It's not something that was on today's to do list.

She makes her decision.

She takes a step closer and moves her free hand to his chest then, biting her lip at her own daring, turns her head away from him towards the bedroom in a way that leaves no doubt to her intent. She can feel his breath on her cheek, each one coming deeper and faster.

She closes her eyes for a few seconds then looks back up at him. They're so close now. His eyes are much darker than a few seconds ago and it's definitely no trick of the light this time. Her heart is pounding and she can't believe they're at this point. She's asking him to cross a line that has been rigidly in place for a long time and for good reason.

She doesn't want to voice the doubt, doesn't want to give it life so lets her eyes do it for her.

The small part of her brain that's still functioning knows this time she's asked the right question as the answer is plain on his face.

'_Yes. Absolutely'_

He holds her gaze for a few more moments, giving her a chance to back out. She doesn't take it.

He turns towards the bedroom and leads her down the corridor.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N. I hadn't originally intended there to be a third chapter but I couldn't quite bring myself to put it to 'complete'. So here's the final instalment...

* * *

The door closes behind them and they're swallowed by the darkness. He stops a few feet into the room and turns slowly to face her. She draws a sharp breath as reality kicks in and the caution to the wind high she was riding completely evaporates. The darkness reveals all the reasons she shouldn't be here.

She panics, taking a step back and finding the door with her hand. He still has her other hand but doesn't step back with her. Doesn't he feel it too?

What are they doing?

She searches his face but can't make out his expression. The dim glow of a distant streetlight is throwing him into shadow. She can't see what he's thinking. His body is taught though, holding something back.

"You ok?" His voice is low.

She nods automatically in reply.

No! Not ok. Why is she nodding? Is she that conditioned to him that even now she automatically plays the consenting soldier?

He grazes her knuckles with his thumb. She can start to make out his eyes now. His eyebrows are low, his eyes concerned. "We don't have to do this you know." His voice is soft, his tone like he's talking to himself as well as her. She gives another curt nod.

He reaches behind her to open the door but her hand stops him from opening it. "Wait."

Her mind is playing it through. If they don't now, then when? And what will they have to break through to get here? Regs? History? Guilt? Fiancés? She closes her eyes to the thought.

She's taken this chance and they've come this far. At least they know now. Surely they can move on from here?

"We don't have to do this." He says it again, more earnestly this time.

She feels his hand on her cheek. "Sam." He says softly, trying to connect with her.

She moves her head into the contact and nods against his hand. "I know." She says it out loud and for some reason it calms her.

She puts her hands on his chest and leans into him. "I know."

He brings his arms round to embrace her and holds her tightly.

She's close enough to his chest that her body rises and falls with his breathing. She lets it wash over her for a while. She feels safe.

She blinks.

Safe? Hardly the shirt ripping 'take me now' road she was on a few moments ago. What is going on with her? Should it be this difficult?

"I thought this would be easy." Her voice is hoarse and muffled by his shirt.

He makes a small noise, almost a laugh in acknowledgment and loosens his embrace so he can bring his mouth closer to her ear. "Why did you think that?" His voice is soft, his tone intimate. She's never heard him like that before. It draws her to him, like he's inviting her in. He doesn't pull back, just holds still, his breath warm on her neck.

It should be easy because it's them. Because she's imagined it so many times and she's sure he has too.

The honesty of her thoughts opens something inside her and she's suddenly very aware of the fact she's in his arms. Very aware of how close his lips are to her skin. Aware that he's very still. Is he waiting for her answer? Can she give one?

Why did she think it would be easy?

"Because I've thought about it so many times." She whispers.

His body tenses, he doesn't move for a few seconds but then he exhales deeply into her shoulder and his hands slip down to her waist to pull her closer. His fingers tighten on her and he lets his lips graze her neck where it meets her shoulder.

Suddenly she's alive, like every nerve in her body is waiting for his next touch. Her hands tighten on his shirt and her head turns to melt into his neck all in one fluid motion.

He pulls her closer, if that's possible, one hand moving up her back to hold her to him. "Me too." He says, the words breathed into her neck and punctuated with the touch of his lips to her skin. He pauses. "So many times."

The wave of emotion she feels at his admission is almost overwhelming. To hear him speak so openly scatters the last of her doubts and she wants to connect with him, to feel part of him. She slides her hands round his neck into his hair, moving her head in line with his. She hesitates only for a second before dropping a tentative kiss below his ear. Then another, tasting his skin with her tongue and revelling in the sound he makes when she does.

He slides his hands up her body, up over her shoulders pushing her jacket off down her arms and to the floor. Their bodies part for a moment then slip back together, her hands back in his hair, his at her waist finding their way under her shirt.

Her trail of kisses leads round his jaw line and she hesitates as she reaches the crease of his mouth. He stills and time seems to slow down as they hover on the edge of something momentous.

He moves first, moves his hand to her cheek and turns his head to kiss her fully. They seem to fit effortlessly together and she can't stop the moan as he brushes her tongue with his. He's pressing himself against her and there's no way she's resisting. His hands set her skin on fire and as he deepens the kiss it forces her back against the door.

His hands are everywhere, god they're everywhere, fingers entwining with hers and sliding her arms up above her head then down again and into her hair, his body is pressed to hers. She's not sure where she ends and he begins. It's heaven. But she's pulled back to Earth as he tears himself from her, breathing deeply and leaning his forehead against hers.

"Is this real?" His voice sounds like he doesn't believe it.

She's on such a high she almost laughs. "I think so." Her laboured breath mingles with his and warms the air around them. "I've been asking myself the same thing though."

She can still taste him on her tongue.

"It feels real." Her heart is pounding. "You feel real." She digs her fingernails into his arm eliciting a low moan from him. "I feel…pretty incredible."

"You're telling me." He rasps.

She can't help the hitch in her chest and the smile that causes. As if to confirm his words he leans in to kiss her neck again and untangles his hand from her hair to slide down her collarbone and graze her breast.

"If it's not real," she says with a gasp, "when I wake up, I'm coming straight round here." She can feel him smile into her neck, his hands round her back pulling her into him again.

"Yeah?" He drawls, "I might not let you in?" This time she does laugh out loud and it feels so good. She feels a thrill at their banter. She hadn't realised how much she's missed it, how far it went to showing they were back on track.

He moves to face her, out of the shadow now and it's the first time she's been able to see him clearly since they entered the room.

He wants her. That's what she sees. She pretty much got that from the mind blowing kiss they just shared but to see it in his eyes is something else.

"I'd convince you" she tilts her head coyly.

"Really? He draws out the word.

"I can be pretty convincing" Did she just pout?

"I'll bet you can." He says knowingly, eyebrows raised and leaning into her. But then his voice changes. Another tone she's never heard before, one that does things to her insides. "What did you have in mind?"

She takes his face in her hands.

"Oh, many, many things." Her voice breaks on the second 'many'.

She strokes his cheek with her thumb and holds his gaze. God his eyes are mesmerising, like he can see right into her. Suddenly she feels so open, so raw.

"Many things. Many times."His eyes close at her words and she swallows the lump in her throat. "With you." She waits for him to open his eyes again so he knows, so he can see the truth in her own eyes. "Always you."

She feels the last of her barriers fall away as what must be the last of her secrets is revealed. She leans in to kiss him but he's already there, taking her face in his hands and kissing her so reverently, so slowly given the heat of their first kiss. It's divine but she wants more. She wants him. She pulls him to her and loves the growl he makes when she deepens the kiss. Her hands want to explore him, to know him. She caresses the nape of his neck, his chest, finds her way under his shirt to smooth them over his tight stomach. He can't stop his doing the same, his hands in her hair, stroking the back of her neck, skimming down her chest and finding the naked skin at her waist, his kisses coming stronger and deeper.

He pushes her back against the door again, his hand moving down her hip, down her thigh and pulling her leg up against his. Her body is craving him and she surrenders control and loses herself in him.

She can think about the rest tomorrow.


End file.
